


The Batfamily's Card Game

by truc



Series: What are friends for? [7]
Category: Batfamily - Fandom, Batman - All Media Types, DCU, DCU (Comics), Superman - All Media Types
Genre: According to Bruce, Card Games, Cheery Clark is the worst, Clark and Bruce are BFF, Clark is a good friend; but he's not always nice, Family, Fluff, Gen, Humour, Never let Batfamily member make games, Some of those games are disturbing, Statistic, banned board games, but Bruce would never admit it, card game, friendships, gifts are hard to find, injured Bruce, never ask questions about the Batfamily, nobody gets hurt, seriously, they are weird, why isn't there a Batfamily card game yet?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 20:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21674767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/truc/pseuds/truc
Summary: Clark and Bruce have a meeting to discuss a 'serious' matter.***Clark, being curious about their cards' images, looks at the closest one.BatmanStrength: 10/10Speed: 10/10Intelligence Quotient: 10/10Experience: 10/10Accuracy: 10/10Agility: 8/10Flexibility: 7/10Emotional Intelligence: 0/10Social Intelligence: 3/10Humour: 5/10Special effect: If Deflect is activated successfully three times with this card, this character gains three scapegoats to take any emotional or social attack. He will also gain a new scapegoat at each of his additional applications of Deflect.Clark coughs. "What's... this?"
Relationships: Clark Kent & Bruce Wayne, Tim Drake & Cassandra Cain & Stephanie Brown & Clark Kent
Series: What are friends for? [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1105563
Comments: 20
Kudos: 216





	The Batfamily's Card Game

"Good morning Master Clark," Alfred greets him as he opens the door.

"Hello, Alfred." He glances around. "Where's Bruce?"

"I'm afraid he's still preparing himself. He had a rather 'strenuous' night." The reporter notes the careful butler's disapproval at Bruce hurting himself again. Strenuous was a word reserved for serious but non-lethal injuries. Clark had started to understand Alfred's precise word meaning alluding to Bruce's condition.

Nodding, he answers: "I thought he was supposed to take it easy? Doesn't he have a gala to attend tonight? We can reschedule this meeting for another day."

Alfred wryly replies, "I am afraid he'll do much worse with his spare time. I'll look upon his progress. Make yourself at home."

And he leaves the reporter in the living room. Clark gets bored looking at the book titles so he listens to a bit to see if anyone else is up and about. Surprisingly, he hears three heartbeats in one of the playrooms.

Bruce won't get mad that Clark is visiting his kids, so; Clark walks into the playroom to see Cass, Steph and Tim playing cards on the carpet.

However, he also notices that cards have peculiar images on them.

Clark, being curious about their cards' images, looks at the closest one.

**_Batman_ **   
_Strength: 10/10_  
_Speed: 10/10_  
_Intelligence Quotient: 10/10_  
_Experience: 10/10_  
_Accuracy: 10/10_  
_Agility: 8/10_  
_Flexibility: 7/10_  
_Emotional Intelligence: 0/10_  
_Social Intelligence: 3/10_  
_Humour: 5/10_

_Special effect: If Deflect is activated successfully three times with this card, this character gains three scapegoats to take any emotional or social attack. He will also gain a new scapegoat at each of his additional applications of Deflect._

Clark coughs. "What's... this?"

Cass places a card named 'Seeking Advice' on the table.

** _Seeking Advice_ **  
_You ask for the personal advice of any character in the game._  
_Category: Emotional Attack_  
_Attack's strength: 1_

"We're playing a Batfamily card game. I counter Cass's card by sending it to Tim," Steph explains, without looking at Clark, as she counters the Seeking Advice card with Deflect.

**_Deflect_ **   
_The world is at stake. Someone else can deal with a social or emotional situation. You can choose any active character to receive the attack._  
_Category: Counter for Emotional and Social attack_

"Where did you find this game?" Clark, baffled, inquires.

"We designed it," Tim explains. He squints at his cards and looks at his Red Hood character.

**_Red Hood_ **   
_Strength: 10/10_  
_Speed: 10/10_  
_Intelligence Quotient: 8/10_  
_Experience: 9/10_  
_Accuracy: 10/10_  
_Agility: 9/10_  
_Flexibility: 6/10_  
_Emotional Intelligence: 3/10_  
_Social Intelligence: 1/10_  
_Humour: 4/10_

_Special effect: If you use Anger Management with this card, you get an extra defensive point in Social Intelligence or Emotional Intelligence._

Steph smiles at Clark. "We got banned from playing all the other board games."

"All?" Clark replies, worried about the turn of the conversation.

Steph nods seriously. "All the ones available in Gotham."

Clark waits for a beat. Tim cocks his head at him. "You can ask your question."

"Why does Bruce have 5/10 in humour?"

Step chuckles. "Why? Ask Tim. We spent countless nights arguing on that one issue."

Tim plays another card.

**_Mirroring_ **   
_Counters any attack by returning it to its original user._

"We have to establish objective standards," the boy explains. "Bruce gets points for not laughing at his jokes and not laughing at bad jokes in general."

Clark crosses his arms. "That's some fairly low standard."

"Yup," Steph agrees. "It runs in the family. Well, except for Alfred. Alfred's always the exception when it comes to dumb behaviour."

Cass tilts her head at Tim and seems to consider whether or not to accept Red Hood's attack. Finally, she marks the emotional damages on her sheet of paper. Clark notes that her Nightwing character wasn't much in peril when it came to emotional attacks.

**_Nightwing_ **   
_Strength: 7/10_  
_Speed: 10/10_  
_Intelligence Quotient: 8/10_  
_Experience: 9/10_  
_Accuracy: 7/10_  
_Agility: 10/10_  
_Flexibility: 10/10_  
_Emotional Intelligence: 5/10_  
_Social Intelligence: 6/10_  
_Humour: 0/10_

Clark blinks again. "Why doesn't Nightwing have any special effects?"

Tim sighs while Steph winks at him. "We've been testing our product and; Nightwing was too powerful compared to the other characters because of his high social and emotional intelligence. We evened up the odds."

Cass gestures to Steph to indicate it is her turn. Steph plays a Gala card on Tim.

"Again?" he grumbles.

"Hey, social skills are important to polish."

Clark looks at them play for a while. "Does Bruce know?"

Cass and Tim nod absently, obviously engrossed in their card game.

"Why hasn't he done anything about it?"

Steph shrugs. "Who cares? He'll probably ban it at one point. We'll merely design a new game."

"I'm already working on some new possible games," Tim mumbles.

"Master Clark." Alfred startles the reporter. "Master Bruce is ready to see you."

Clark gives the teenagers one last look and follows him out.

Bruce glares at him when he enters the room.

"Hi, Bruce! Feeling better?"

The glare intensifies. "I'm fine."

Clark beams at him. "Of course you are. Even that time near the Galyan planet; you had two broken arms, ten broken ribs, a dislocated jaw, two strained muscles, a concussion, black eyes and a broken nose."

Behind him, Alfred clears his throat. "I do not recall these details."

"I reported I was injured," Bruce bit back defensively.

" _Slightly_ injured, Sir." The disdain in the British's voice was a work of art. The silence stretches uncomfortably. "I'll let you work on your project," Alfred says in the tone that meant it wasn't the end of the conversation.

As soon as the door closed behind Alfred, Bruce narrows his eyes at Clark. " _Traitor_."

Clark sits down. "You were supposed to call me if you got injured this morning. There was nothing urgent about this meeting."

Bruce passes one hand on his face. "It is too early in the morning for one of your polite mid-western animosities."

Clark leans back in his chair. "Let me open the drapes. It's radiant out there; it'll drive the glumness away. Your serotonin levels seem to be dropping with each passing day."

" _Backstabber. Blackmailer. Traitor._ Why do I even spend time with you?"

"Because of my charming personality," Clark humbly banters back. After a beat, he adds, "And nobody else answered to your 'looking for a friend' ads. You're stuck with me now. It's in the BFF contract."

"We're colleagues, not friends," Bruce points out as he sips his water.

Clark rolls his eyes. "You called to meet me on a Saturday morning because you wanted us to figure out a gift Diana would accept from us."

"It's called a strategic professional meeting."

"Friendship is something most people experience in their lives. It's okay to feel overwhelmed by your first venture in it. There are books to help you cope," Clark goads Bruce.

"Aren't you talkative this morning."

"Afternoon," Clark corrects. "It's 12:01 p.m."

Bruce glares at him in silence.

"Are you aware they gave you 5 points out of 10 for humour? It boggles my mind."

Bruce sighs. "They compared me to Dick and Jay. They decided they couldn't all give us 0."

The reporter wisely nods. "Aren't you upset they gave you that high? Aren't you going to prove to them you're worse than Dick? Where's your fighting spirit? I'll lend you tested dad jokes if you want."

Bruce grumbles something even Superman's heightened sense of hearing can't catch.

"Diana. We need to find her a gift," Bruce finally interjects.

"To give us a head-start, I went over last year's ideas. You shot down the book idea. I shot down your jewelry and clothing suggestion. She refused flowers." Clark pauses as he peruses his list. "Last year's specialty chocolate was a dud. The only things left on the list are friendship bracelets and pies."

"They are both terrible ideas. One. She possesses gorgeous bracelets. Why would she want junk bracelets? Two. Neither of us can bake pies worth tasting."

Clark crosses off the two last suggestions. "We're back to where we started. Any new ideas this time?"

"A pet."

The look Clark gives him shut him off. "She's gone for days at a time without notice. There's no Alfred to care for them in the meantime."

"Krypto is still alive," Bruce snaps back.

"He's a Kryptonian dog; he's much smarter than human dogs... And the Fortress feeds him."

Silence fills the room.

"For someone with a 0 out of 10 rating in emotional intelligence, you're above your rating's average, Bruce," Clark says.

Bruce groans. "We're here to find Diana's gift, not discuss the games my kids invent when they're bored."

"Games your kids invent? Wait." Clark rubs his forehead. "Are you telling me there's _more_?"

Bruce is unimpressed with his mental acrobatics. Sighing, he launches an explanation. "Jay invented a game titled 'Resurrect my zombie.' The goal is to make your zombie survive the apocalypse's gory catastrophes. There are individual mishaps, but every few turns, something horrible disseminates the zombie population. You have three turns to resurrect your zombie with mystical or random items. The longest-standing zombie wins."

That sounds like Jason, Clark thinks.

"What about Damian and Dick?"

Bruce blinks at the wall like a disillusioned father. "Dick made a game called 'Seduce your Lover' situated in ancient greek. You have to undertake Herculean tasks and write ludicrous compositions to reach your lover. There's a dice roll to determine if your lover died in the meantime."

"Why ancient greek?" Clark frowns. To his knowledge, Dick has never had an interest in that period.

"He wants to make it LGTBQ positive. Ancient greek had lesbians, gays, bisexuals and heterosexuals representation. Anyhow, Dick added pederasty  
disclaimers even if he's never going to sale the game."

Confusion must have appeared on Clark's face because Bruce shakes his head in 'you don't want to know' way.

"Damian?" Clark instead asks.

"He's trying to write an animal-centrist game."

"What does that even mean?"

Bruce stares at him as if he wanted to transmit 'you don't want to know.'

One eyebrow raises on the reporter.

"Animals hunt humans for food and clothing," Bruce answers. He pauses. "Unwittingly, I'm sure- at least, I hope so- Damian made a cannibal's ideal board game."

That's so messed up, thinks Clark. Was Ra's a cannibal? He does believe in human sacrifices; the step between those two ideas may not seem that hard to rationalize.

Bruce interrupts Clark's disturbing musing. "Diana's gift."

"Oh." He had forgotten about the reason behind his presence at the Manor. It seems so far removed from his last thoughts.

"Why not give her Tim's, Steph's and Cass's game? It seems inoffensive enough and; I'm sure she'd enjoy it."

"That's a _terrible_ idea. It may compromise our identities," Bruce answers.

Gently, Clark suggests, "Why not make her swear to only play it in the Watchtower or on Themscrya?"

Bruce narrows his eyes.

Having no time to engage in a staring contest, Clark cuts the chase. "Do you have a better idea?"

"Fine. **_IF_** we don't find a better idea by Monday, I'll ask Tim about the game," Bruce reluctantly agrees.

The other man's lips twitch up. He shouldn't find this funny.

"Now, go," Bruce waves him away. "I've got work to do."

Clark grins at him. "See you soon."

On his way out, he makes sure to tell Alfred about Bruce's ambitious plans for the afternoon.

**Author's Note:**

> Maybe I'm mistaken; maybe there is a Batfamily card game in existence... It seems a missed opportunity if there isn't one.


End file.
